004 Marriage Coaching Review: Love First, Fix Later

July 27th, 2014 · 1 hr 9 mins

About this Episode

Show Summary

Leslie and Laura review the entire process of marriage coaching with Krayna. They spend time detailing the final coaching session, which was pretty heavy and healing. They talk about their intentions going into coaching, their revelations during coaching, how they are making applications of what they discovered in coaching, their reflections about the coaching experience, and what suggestions they might have made to their past selves to maximize the benefit of coaching. Finally, they make their final assessment of marriage coaching and make a call to the community to share their Marriage Startup Moments for an upcoming episode.

Show Resources

Download the transcript here.

A little about Krayna: She is a Depth Coach, not a licensed therapist or counselor. She says about her sessions:

I’m most compelled by deeply listening and by investigating the assumptions that we take for granted to be true, and really looking into  that.  We look at what is commonly experienced as resisting or trying to alter What Is, what that does within one’s experience (suffering!), and what life is without the idea that something else (or better or different) should/could be happening.  We’re looking into the truth of the matter, and seeing how that helps dissolve knots of suffering.

Here’s a link to Krayna’s blog. If you are in Bend Oregon, go see her. Really. Just go.

For a little snapshot into daily life with our eldest and how executive function deficits impact even simple tasks, read this blog post that Laura wrote last year.

A list of Executive Functions

“The executive functions are a set of processes that all have to do with managing oneself and one’s resources in order to achieve a goal. It is an umbrella term for the neurologically-based skills involving mental control and self-regulation.”

Nate Croft did the family photoshoot that Laura refers to at the end of the show.

Show Highlights

Intentions

Leslie wanted to go to therapy because he realized “Something was wrong and I wanted to make it better.” (He didn’t even know what “it” was.)

Prior to the first session, Laura just thought, “Whee! This will be fun! Podcast research time!”

(Laura tends to be more light-hearted about stuff than Leslie.)

Total Cry Count: Leslie: 4, Laura: 1

Revelations

Laura receives bonus points for proper usage of the word “Paradigm.”

The second session of therapy helped Leslie and Laura with a volatile parenting situation that was triggering anger and hurt for everyone involved.

They were both bringing their own issues from their respective family of origin, and projecting their pain onto this situation with their daughter.

Leslie realizes that a theme in his thinking is “I don’t think I’m enough.”

Laura realizes that she was basically gatekeeping. (It’s so common! Such a trap!)

“Parenthood is a petri dish for growing all of those ugly self doubts.”

“If I don’t think I’m enough, chances are I’m not going to believe that the people closest to me are enough, either.”

Leslie confesses his need to control outcomes. It works at a professional level, but at a personal level begins falling apart.

Reality = What is actually happening, minus your opinion of it.

Leslie drops a huge buzzword and Laura makes fun of him.

One of Laura’s biggest revelations was seeing Leslie’s ability to problem solve, and his humble willingness to change and grow.

“The reason we got so much out of coaching was because of the willingness we brought into it. We wanted to change; we wanted to be better. Even though you never ‘arrive,’ you can always improve.”

Applications

Leslie is committing to “Ask for an Assist” when he starts feeling the triggers.

He is also giving himself permission to know that he is enough father for her, and by definition of being his daughter, she is enough.

“My job is not to make her enough; it is to love her.”

Because of these two commitments, Leslie has observed major changes already. He tells a story highlighting the shift in their relationship. It all had to do with the perspective he chose to bring to the situation.

Laura is just blown away by Leslie’s statement: LOVE FIRST, FIX LATER. She makes a little pinnable quote to post on Facebook as soon as the recording is over.

Leslie has found the following two thoughts life-changing:

2 Questions to change your perspective (and perhaps your whole life)

  1. How is this the best thing that could be happening to me?
  2. What am I being spared from?

Reflections

Leslie: I’m now much more aware of how little control I actually have. And that is a huge blessing. The things I do control have an immense impact in my own life and the lives of others. When I give up trying to control the things I can’t, it frees me up to manage the things I do have power over – really, my response and perspective and outlook at life.

Laura: Go for the heart. Be responsible for my reactions, my healing, and not taking out my pain on others.

Leslie: How you are, is how you are. You can’t be a different person to different people for very long. Your relationships will degrade to the lowest common denominator.

Suggestions

Leslie: Don’t wait. Don’t wait! Go now.

Laura: Don’t hesitate to speak up. Trust that Leslie trusts your heart for him.

Final Review

And they ask and answer the final question to fulfill the review metric. It’s really corny.

End of Show