Episode 8

008 Show and Tell Number One

August 25th, 2014

1 hr 10 mins 8 secs

Your Hosts

About this Episode

Show Summary

On today’s show we’ll be answering marriage and business questions from you! We’ll share stories you sent to the show. We have our first “vocal” contributor, Dr. Marc Wagner, who reads his poem and talks to us about why linear relationships are boring and sine waves are beautiful. And as always we close the show with what we’re going to do for each other this week.

Show Resources

 

Download the transcript here. Thanks, Jessica!

[Editor’s note: This week we’re just giving the actual outline that we use when we record the show with little to no edits done on it. Let us know if you prefer an outline approach such as below or the more narrative approach we’ve taken in previous episodes. Thank you!]

Show Outline

Intro

Les: Welcome to the Marriage Startup podcast episode 8, “Show & Tell Number One” On today’s show we’ll be answering marriage and business questions from you!

Laura: We’ll share stories you sent to the show.

Les: We have our first “vocal” contributor, Dr. Marc Wagner, who reads his poem and talks to us about why linear relationships are boring and sine waves are beautiful.

Laura: And as always we close the show with what we’re going to do for each other this week.

Les: I’m your host Leslie Camacho. I’m an ex-ceo, a partner in a full service agency, and I’m growing my own business. But around these parts I’m the Chief Espresso Officer.

Laura: [awesome, funny stuff]

News & Updates

Les: If this is your first time listening to the show, thank you! You are welcome here. This episode is dedicated to subscribers so if you haven’t listened to the previous episodes some things may feel incomplete. We’ll do our best to make sure you, as a new listener, feel included and welcome here because, well, you are.

Les: Also, we’ve been told by “industry vets” that most podcasts don’t make it past episode 7. And this being episode 8, it feels like we have passed an important milestone. Thank you all for being a part of this movement to make our relationships the best they possibly can be.

Laura: something nice about our community and what its meant to you so far.

Main Topic

Moments

Laura: Brieanna: “was listening to the Marriage Startup Podcast while washing up in the kitchen (it helps keep her motivated) and her month old phone fell in the water-filled sink. She let it rest in a rice bag overnight, and is happy to report that her phone is alive and well.”

Laura: Gail: “This [the benediction from episode 2] is my mantra every morning now. Thank you, sweeties.

I asked her if she had seen any changes because of this practice

Gail: “Only in me!! But this is a wonderful step–attitude is more than half.”

Leslie: Jill said: “I was profoundly affected by Leslie’s relationship and consequent transformation with Sophia- putting love first, and fixing later. Even though I don’t have children, I learned a valuable technique in my approach to those I love. If I try to fix first I place my expectations on the situation. If I love first, all expectations go out the window.”

Laura: Nicole – What resonates with me is the “here’s what I’m going to do for you” portion. I am working to incorporate this into my home. When my husband asks “what can I do for you ” it feels like something else I have to manage. It comes from a good place, but just becomes another source of stress.

Laura: Anonymous: “The thing that really resonated with me early on was the “definition of done”. It was stupid and small but we have had so many aggravating moments about what constitutes to a job done around the house and with the kids. For example, “fill the pitcher when you drink water from it” meant that “you replace the water you take” to me whereas it meant “refill pitcher if you take the last drop” to him! A simple definition that we shared with each other solved that!”

Laura: Anonymous: “An incident occurred which caused a huge shakeup in my relationship with my husband. I told my husband we couldn’t talk about it right then and that I needed to sit and think. I listened to episode 2 and it was very helpful to just listen to a couple talk in such open and friendly tones to keep me grounded and not lose focus on what the real issue was. My husband and I got through the difficult conversation that evening, and have made a major (MAJOR) breakthrough in our relationship.”

Leslie: Anonymous: “After listening to the first episode, I feel hopeful.  And I didn’t at all before, thought we were just postponing the inevitable.  We still may not be a good fit, but maybe we can find a way.”

Les: A agency owner shared with me how he’s now actively improving his relationship with his son.

Les: A listener shared that they were simply encouraged that there were business people who put family first. It was unheard of for him in his corporate circles.

Questions

Laura: Read question…

I have known, witnessed, heard, and you two have proclaimed that you have an amazing marriage. But HOW?!?! What is it that you two do specifically that make your marriage work and how do you do it?

You two are people who are broken, who bring in your own qualms with life, your own history, your own issues to work through– that is a common thread for all married couples. So then what do you do that makes your marriage work.

Could you also talk about what you *could’ve* done or said in the situation that is negative (and what a lot of married people do not realizing it breaks down their marriage) and how you choose to be different?

I think a lot of people genuinely want a good marriage. How on Earth do they change and become aware to make that marriage work.

As a single person, I want a marriage that will bless me and my partner, not be a curse. Thank you for this!!
– Leila

What’s different?

Leslie: What works for us:

  • We assume a good heart, even in a bad situation
  • Love first, fix later
  • Giving benefit of the doubt is not the solution; it is the entry way to addressing issues
  • Be responsible for your own stuff. YOU make you better
  • Pursue the other person.

Laura

  • SO TRUE – I give the benefit of the doubt very easily, and sometimes let things go too easily – so that I never get to the solution part of the equation. There’s a co-dependency trap there, if I’m not careful. That can create a lifetime of resentment, especially if there’s an inequity to the giving of the benefit of the doubt!

Laura: We want the best for each other (for self and for the other)

  • Laura: What “ideas of Laura” did Leslie have to let go of with Laura?
    • Laura: Todd left a comment on FB:
      • My wife Christine and I listened to this episode last night. I liked the idea of airing of expectations vs.reality. I heard Laura express her handyman pre-conception, but did not hear Leslie share his Idea Of Laura.
        • Leslie’s idea of Laura


      • Laura: Also, thoughts on how to find the right way to express the ideal vs. reality gap in a way that doesn’t come across as too negative toward the recipient?

        • Les
          • Habit
          • Make time








Give an example in a negative situation

Laura: Trash cans

  • Leslie asked about the trash early in the morning
  • I assumed he was going to put them out, so I didn’t worry about it
  • Trash truck comes, and I notice the cans still sitting inside the fence
  • He rushes them out
    • I tell him to put them on the neighbor’s side


  • Later, the recycling can is still inside the fence

    • I feel irritated that he didn’t do what I asked
    • I assumed he felt weird putting cans on the neighbors side, so ignored me


  • Aftera couple hours of stewing about trash can follow through

    • I throw away recycling and realize the can is empty!
      • He had already brought the can back in!




  • I was really glad that even though I hadn’t given him the benefit of the doubt, I had held my tongue.

How do you change?

Laura: we want to be better, so we do better. One moment, one interaction at a time. It’s really about being intentional and replacing old habits with new ones.

Poem

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